しなん, Impossible

It is pretty much IMPOSSIBLE to find a good taro cupcake recipe, or a taro swirl bread recipe on the internet. Most you find are ones that have been made up by people just for experimenting, so it looks like I might have to do the same. It is more common to find matcha cupcakes, or azuki cupcakes or whatever. You can hardly find any taro recipes. So I’ve decided I’ll make something with azuki beans.

I want to make anpan. If you don’t know what that is, it’s a Japanese sweet bun filled with sweet azuki bean paste, or anko. (there is also an anime called anpanman, a superhero whose head is made out of anpan…don’t ask.) I love anko. The name literally means bean bread. “an” is the red bean filling (anko) and “pan” is bread. So I went hunting in my hundreds of cook books, and found a recipe in one of my Japanese cookbooks. Who would have guessed? haha. It looked like it would work out really well. So the dough is proofing right now! I’m really excited to see if these work out well or not.

Now I miss learning Japanese again. It’s hard to do on your own. I can read and write some stuff probably at the level of a 5 year old hahaha. But my vocabulary is minimal and I don’t remember ANY of the 250 kanji I learned. I do still want to go to Japan some day. I’ll make it happen.

And I’ll post about how the anpan turns out. Hopefully well. I just feel the need to go on a baking frenzy. So that I shall do! And if I come up with a good taro cupcake recipe, I’ll post it for sure! Because I KNOW I am not the only person looking for one.

♥Taro

料理は得意です。 : )

Taro’s Thoughts

Thought Number 0.

I have a feeling that Kevo will hate this blog layout I picked. I liked the header. He can SUCK IT! Kidding…but really…I don’t think we’ll ever agree on one that we BOTH actually like.

Thought Number 1.

I’m really happy that I can still hang out with my “ex-boyfriend”. I totally forgot how much of a good person he is. I love it when you remember how awesome someone was, and then you’re like to yourself “what the hell self! why did we not hang out with this person more often?”. I love those little reminders to myself that not everyone is a complete jerk.

Thought Number 2.

I like the sun. As long as I can choose if I want to be in it. I don’t like being burnt. Ouch! like right now. All lobster-like and whatnot…not fun! I like tanning. I love to just lay there in the sun with a cold drink and not have any worries in the world! Of course I usually fall asleep. I also love swimming. Especially in salt water pools. WAY better than chlorine. GET RID OF YOUR CHLORINE POOLS!

Thought Number 3.

I am really excited to have my own place. I can’t wait! Sure I might get lonely at times, but I sure do like to be by myself. I actually find it really exciting to budget for that kind of thing. How much I can spend on furniture, other household items, food, rent and whatnot. It’s fun and makes me feel super independent and grown up haha. I also love making lists, for things I need to get and things I already have, and then figuring out how I can get those items I need for the least amount of money. How exciting!

Thought Number 4.

I haven’t baked anything in a while. Nor have I updated my recipe blog. Oh boy, Tara, you are slacking in that department! But at work I was asked to make a Cake for our Canada Day party, and they will pay me for it!!! So I have a pretty good plan I think. I will make a white cake with those little red dots in it, make 2 layers cut in half, so 4 layers total. fill those layers with a raspberry buttercream filling, then ice the outside with just a white vanilla buttercream. And since it will be a rectangle, the cake will be the Canada flag! so I will use raspberries standing up on the cake for the red part. The sides and the maple leaf I am so excited! I will definitely take pictures and put them on here.

Thought Number 5.

It is so mother fucking hot here. (pardon my french.) Today it was 40 degrees celcius. 40!!! And I work in a factory, so holy hell it gets pretty steamy in there. Everybody was red, sweaty and cranky. And right now, as I type this at 10:00pm, it is 29 degrees in my house. And the air conditioning is on. Hopefully by tomorrow morning it’s liveable.

Thought Number 6.

Why does my keyboard like to switch itself to french-canadian every once in a while? I know my laptop is easily converted for french people, but it does it on it’s own when I’m typing, so I don’t know what I am hitting that is making it do that…

Thought Number 7.

I miss Kevo! I could DEF use a hug. OH WAIT I change my mind. It’s far too hot for hugs. I think we would get stuck together.

That’s about it for now, tootaloo!

♥Taro

Blahh

I am so bored of my life right now. I am bored of the routine I have to do every single day. I don’t like my job, I hate working jobs I do not enjoy doing. I miss being on my own. I miss doing what I liked to be doing. I am scared about the future. The uncertainty. I’ve started a new exercise and eating regime. Hoping that will maybe add a little difference in my stupid routine that is life. I hate missing somebody so much. I hate things that consume my mind so that when I do stop thinking about it, something will remind me of what I was not wanting to think about, and then I can’t stop again. I know I have a good life. It’s just a very boring life. I want something more. I need something more but I don’t know what it is. I want to do things, I want to go out and about. I have honestly not spent any time with any of my friends since being home. I went out once with a friend. They are all so busy, with complete opposite schedules of me. And it SUCKS. I am so boreeeeeeed of not being with other people. blahhhhhhhh. Is summer almost over? no. fucking three months left. Three stupid months. I want my last week of work to be august 15th, the day before my birthday, so I can dick around for two weeks before going back to school. And by dick around I mean get my apartment all set up and me settled in and what not. Speaking of apartments, I need to ask a few people some questions.

I HATE MONEY. ha. stupid money. It only causes problems. Oh yah, I must apply for my visa today.

♥ Taro

A Funny Little Thing

Over the past few weeks of being back home, my sister and I have been noticing a few new oddities around the house. We have discussed this with our brother, and he also notices these.

For some reason, all of a sudden, when we kids show up back at home the house seems to be a lot messier all of the time. Now, you may say “well yeah, that makes sense”, but actually the messiness is not the result of us being messy. No sir it is not. The messiness, in actuality, is the result of my parents leaving more of their mess around, and then blaming it on us. Case in point:

I spent the entire day two weeks ago, cleaning the house. Especially the kitchen. I scrubbed the floor tiles, cleaned the counter, all of the appliances, and even the stove/oven. I had finished cleaning the kitchen around 12pm, and it stayed clean all day. Even though I had been baking all day, in and out of the kitchen, it still stayed clean. 6:00pm comes around, and my mom comes home. 6:30pm and my dad is home. 7:00pm, the kitchen is a disaster. There are crumbs all over the counters and the floor, coffee and juice stains on the floor tiles, shit all over the counter top. Lunch bags, coffee mugs, tupperware containers, just a whole bunch of stuff that doesn’t belong on the counter. The first thing my dad says:

why is the kitchen such a shit house?

….Wow. Seriously? Yes. He asked me that. And asked me why I can’t keep the house clean for more than a day.
That’s when I decided to stop cleaning the house.*

(*I totally wish I could say that. But the truth is, I can’t stand a messy kitchen. The kitchen is where I spend the most time, and if it’s not clean, it drives me nuts. And by clean I mean absolutely spotless. Not a crumb on the counter.)

So basically that’s it. No matter how much we clean up after ourselves, there somehow is a magical way that a mess shows up and is blamed on us. Even if we weren’t home all day. My brother has even said he noticed that when my sister and I were away at school, the house was often quite a bit messier than when we were home.

♥Taro

Your Love for Yourself Means Everything

Other than that, nothing else matters.

I remember the dark period in my life when I was pissed at the world, I felt no one gave a shit about me, I felt resentment towards my closest loved ones. I was surrounded with love and yet, I was too busy hating everyone, hating myself and playing the role of a victim. I needed a quick and painless way to finish it. A way that can take me out of this world so I can stop being a fuck up, occupy space and take up oxygen from more important people. I didn’t find a way and for that, I am grateful. Truth be told, although I hated myself every morning for waking up and lived through another day… there was a glimmer of self-worth that told me I would bring on more pain to people around me than I’ve ever experienced and for what? Teach them a lesson? Get some attention? Love? An Apology? I love them… with all my heart! Yet, I am planning to bring on irreversible damage? If you are on the verge of breaking… stick it out a bit more. I’ve became much stronger cause of it.

I am not saying don’t feel sad. Feel sad. Feel like shit. Hate the world. No one is rushing you. Think bad thoughts! If you feel like killing yourself, play it out in your mind and think of the aftermath. If you play it out, you’ll know that there’s nothing to be gained from removing yourself from the physical world because there are essentially only 2 scenario that can be the outcome:

1. People in your life get extremely hurt/sad/depressed (basically how you feel now and probably worse). If you felt how I felt, I would wish that feeling upon anyone. The sense of hopelessness and feeling of guilt mixed with everything bad.

2. People around you don’t give a shit. This one is simple. If people don’t care if you died, then they wouldn’t care if you live. There are some serious benefits of living by the way, like your life MIGHT improve. That hope would be striped away if you were dead.

Okay, enough is enough. You’ve felt sorry for yourself, been sad, depressed, felt worthless blah blah blah. Bored yet? Bored of playing the victim character in life? Sorry to burst your victim bubble but you chose to be in that position. Yup. No one is responsible of your thoughts, feelings, quality of life and everything else in your life.

People can say/do all they want but everything still has to pass through you. If someone says “You will never amount in life” It’s still up to YOU Whether you want to believe him or not. If someone puts you down, hold up their comment to your personal truth! Ask “Is that really true?” Find genuine evidence in your life that contradicts the attack someone made of you. Start with the simplest thing! Eventually you can build up a voice inside you that’s strong enough to support you. You NEED that voice to be on your team when it seems like the world is against you!

Also, look at who is putting you down:

1. Determine Is the person in the position to make such judgement? Is the person an authority? If you want to be a musician and your guidance counselor says that “you’ll never be successful”. Is he in a position to make such a judgment? you certainly can take his opinion into consideration but note the quality of the opinion.

2. Ask the person: WHY? Why do you say that? Most of the time the answer is not clearly backed up, which tells you… the person doesn’t know SHIT. Most of the time the answer you get would be another attack like “because you are ugly, stupid, messy, not a good student.” Then go through the process again of “Is what the person said true?” My sister once told me that I don’t stand a chance with a particular girl because I didn’t have good grades. She said that while I was going through my dark period, so of course I believed her. But later all I had to do was look around and realized that all the cute girls are NOT fucking the honour roll students.

Hold your head high. The Universe is conspiring FOR you not against you. Even if you don’t see it right now where you stand… Know that things happen FOR us in life never to us.

The first principle is that you must not fool yourself, and you are the easiest person to fool. - Richard Feynman

*Kevin*

Anything Worth Having in Life Takes Work

All I want to say is exactly what I wrote in the title. Anything worth having in life takes work. It will not just come along on its own. If you feel it’s not going so well, work at it. It may be great again afterwards, or maybe not. But whatever the outcome, you should always have the pleasure of knowing that even if it failed, you tried your hardest to keep it alive. Because if you didn’t, you would always be wondering. Would I still have that wonderful thing in my life if I had not worked through it?

♥ Taro

My top 10 smells

1) Yeasty bread dough
There is just something so comforting to me about the smell of a bread dough. I Love the smell of active yeast.
2) Fresh cut grass
It smells green. It just smells green. And fresh. There is no way to describe it really.
3) Clean wet laundry
The smell of laundry in general is awesome, but when it’s wet and it smells cold at the same time? LOVE IT! Sometimes I think I am addicted to that smell. I can’t get enough of it.
4) Clean dry laundry
Not as good as wet laundry, but it brings a feeling of warmth and comfort.
5) Coffee, ground and brewed
It’s so strong, smells earthy and natural.
6) Ironing
Maybe it has to do with the whole “clean laundry” thing with me, but I love it when my mom is ironing and it makes the whole main floor smell like hot ironing and spray starch.
7) Puppies
All new puppies smell somewhat the same. They don’t smell like dog yet, and their breath smells warm and sweet.
8 ) Matches/fire
Either a campfire or the smell of when you just blew out a match. Smells so raw and powerful.
9) New car smell
I guess it’s really just new anything smell. Car, book, shoes, leather, couch. It all smells good.
10) Your favourite person at the moment (besides yourself, of course!)
The smell of them when you can’t be with them comforts you, and makes you feel all warm and tingly inside. This would obviously be different for everyone.

People these days are obsessed with smells. We cover up smells in our homes and on our bodies with sprays, washes and perfumes laden with heavy scents. We wash our floors with pine scented liquids and sprinkle flower scented powders over our carpets to help it smell “fresh”. We wash our hair with flowers, our bodies with mountain spring water, and use sprays of sugar, mint, orange peel, flower bouquets, aqua and pine forest to make us smell “good”. We cover up all of our natural smells that might be considered dirty or gross. Even our laundry is washed in heavily scented powders or liquids. All of these smells on a person combine to make one mix of a whole bunch of indistinguishable smells. You can pick out one or two of them, but most likely you just associate all of the smells as a whole. And each person will smell different, even if they are using the same shampoos, body washes, deodorants, sprays or perfumes. Because every individual has their own smell. That is why perfume or cologne smells different on every person.
That’s how I remember people, by how they smell. Each person in my family has their own distinct smell.

Mom: vinegar, sweet anti-bacterial soap, and clean water.
Sister: Lilies, vanilla and the smell of light spring air.
Dad: Gasoline, cigarette smoke and Irish spring body wash.
Brother: Sleep, coconut and soap.

(*Something I have never noticed before: I remember them all by three major smells. )

I love having the ability to smell. Can you imagine what it would be like if you could not smell? You’d be missing out on so much.
I also remember certain events by how it smelled at the time. I only remember a few things about going to Florida when I was 5, but I remember how the house smelled, and how Disney World smelled. I remember going to Cuba, and the smell of the resort and the beach. I remember what my house smelled like the day I got my acceptance letter to University. (I was so nervous because I did not think I was going to get in.) And I remember what my dog, Foster, smelled like when I brought him home, and how he developed a different smell after being here for a week. If I couldn’t smell things, I think I would go insane.

I figured a picture of Pepe Le Pew (with Le Mew) was perfect for a post about smells.

♥ Taro

“Simplicity is the outward sign and symbol of depth of thought.”

Dear Inspiration,

Where have you gone? I was looking for you last night but I could not find you. I searched everywhere. I looked in the cupboard, in the magazines, all the books, picture albums. I even looked for you on t.v. I just could not find you. I miss having you around so close with me. With you I was able to write a lot more freely, come up with new ideas for my art, the strength to tackle some really big project.
Did you think someone had replaced you? Because that is not the case, Inspiration! Nobody could ever replace you. You are a very special thing in my life and I feel lost without you. I can no longer see the beauty in a simple colour or texture. It all looks grey, muddled, and sloppy. I need you to bring out the brightness.
Did you think I no longer cared for you? Although it may seem that at times I do not need you, the times when I do are so great that they take up all of what you have to offer for me.
Maybe you think I am okay on my own without you. I can not see how this is possible right now, everybody needs a little Inspiration in their lives! That little dash of something extra that makes everything so wonderful. So sweet, bright and colourful.
I have heard people say that Inspiration is everywhere. But why can I not find you?
Inspiration, please come back. I miss you terribly.

Love, ♥Taro

The Concept of Marriage is Flawed

Why? Because I can’t decide for my entire life at a particular moment in time. Not now. Not ever.

People change. I know I do. Were you the same person you were 10 years ago? Last year? Last month? Yesterday? If not, then how would you decide your entire future basing on all the information you have now? Shouldn’t you be entitled to review all the information in the future too?

Cynical? maybe. But the numbers are against me, if I was to jump into the deep end without knowing what’s in the water. According to Statistics Canada, the Total divorce rate, by the 30th wedding anniversary in 2003 is 38%. But does that mean the other 62% is dancing, singing and having hot steamy sex with their spouses every night? Me no think so. In that case, let’s be conservative and say that 15% of the couples are still running constantly in the dread and resentment of their hamster wheel. That leaves us with… 47% of the couple who are having successful marriage.

So if I were to get married now, I would have a less than 50% shot at happiness. Appealing(no, not really). But I’ll pass, I am not much of a gambler. If I am committing my life to something, the chance of payoff better be greater than 99.9%. I understand that there are people who are happily married and kudos to them! But I also know that’s extremely rare.

So why should I get married? What’s in it for me to get married? I can have all the benefits of a marriage without actually getting married. The security marriage provides is an illusion. The illusion of possessing someone and that someone is now committed to you by law is exactly that; an illusion. Thinking someone is now obligated to do certain things for you is bullshit because we can’t control another person, no matter how much we fool ourselves into believing.

In the end I want the person I love to be as free as she can, I want her to be 100% of who she is AND more because I want the same for myself as well. There’s no such thing as a “Soulmate” because we are ever changing therefore I can’t promise that I’ll never change, so if 10 years into the marriage and I am no longer the person who she said “yes!” to where is she going to get her refund? *Return Policy: FINAL SALE. NO RETURNS.*

I’ll have a wedding with whoever I am deeply in love with at that moment. I just won’t sign shit.

Kevin

I Travel With the Speed of Life

From the time we are very young, we treat life as if it is this magical infinite thing. We rush through our days, it’s New Years, then suddenly Easter comes along. The next thing you know you’ve got Summer Holidays, Halloween, Thanksgiving then Christmas. Then knocking at your door right away is New Years once again. And before you know it an entire year has passed you by. Where did all the time go? This can’t be happening. You must have dreamt it. But no, it was not a dream. It was all very real, although it may seem you can’t quite remember much that happened. What have you been doing with your time? Maybe you were too busy being a kid, maybe you were too busy with work, or maybe you were too busy doing nothing to realize how much precious time you were losing. You want the time back. You wish you could go back a few years sometimes and experience the un-lived activities of your past. You want to remember your past. But you are always so busy looking ahead. Looking ahead to what you can achieve then. What you want to happen and what you will make happen.
Sometimes I wish I could speed up time. Others I wish I could slow it down. The last few years of my life have been a complete blur, and I can’t remember anything significant that happened. I guess in the last few years I have just been so busy trying to move on with life, to leave behind what I had at the time. I wanted more. I wasn’t happy with the present because I knew that the future held bigger and better things. Or so I thought. The problem with that is that you will always want the bigger and better things, and if you believe that that is what the future holds, you are always wanting the future and never truly happy with what you have in the present. After realizing this, I feel I am more happy with my present life. Although I know there are things that will change in the future, that is just exactly what they will do. There will be no bigger or better, just an evolution of my life now. And I am happy with that : )

♥ T a r o