Category Archives: New Ideas

a Lesson on Compassion

I work in a Video Game Store. We deal with nerds and stupid people. yesterday was no different. I was working with a new guy who asked me every little thing that normal people would know from common sense and watching him do everything was a frustration on it’s own. The guy was a sloth on crack, but instead of doing things faster on crack, he just got slower and slower. On top of that, my feet were tired and kind of hurts. The Job was getting boring and a drag.

So after dealing with handful of stupid people who’ve been misguided about the return policy and annoying children, in walks a retard. No really, she was mentally challenged. She came in enthusiastically greeted me. I couldn’t understand a words she was saying, it pure mumble jumble. At the time I was dealing with a customer with… you guessed it! She wanted to return a game because she was told that she can return everything and anything within 7 days. While I was helping the customer the mentally challenged girl kept talking. She talked loud and unclear. All her words are messed up, I couldn’t make a single word that came out from her mouth. When she talked, saliva squeezes out to her lips in such qualities that I think she’s going to drool. Her big coat was already stain with what I think is drool. Every time when I look at her, the amount of foamy spit in and around her mouth made me wanna puke.

The new guy was talking to her, trying to make out what she was trying to say. He walked around the store showing her things to figure out what she wanted. As she walks around the store, I was afraid that she might come around behind the counter and do some crazy shit, like try to make out with me and if I did comply she would spit her foamy spit on me face. I was annoyed, by the customer who I was helping and by the retard who I couldn’t understand. I wanted all of them out. Finally, I was done dealing with my customer so I started listening and watching the interaction between the new guy and the weird girl. At this point I was a bit touched by the fact that the new guy was so patient with the girl even though he couldn’t understand her. The guy whom I thought was so incompetent and slow had surprised me. I began to see that the girl was not retarded but she had full mental capacity, she just has difficulties communicating her thoughts. The me who wanted her to shut the fuck up and stop bothering us was silenced by the me who asked

You think she wants this? You think she’s having a good time not being understood? How would you feel if you were in that position? You trying your best but people write you off? She’s having thoughts just like everyone else, she just can’t communicate them in a way that you can. So why don’t you get off your fucking high horse of having the ability of communicate effectively and shut the fuck up.

I then started to help to figure out what she was trying to say. She had a friend with her who was better equiped in communication, but she was frustrated and mildly embarassed for all the fuss they were causing. We tried asking her to write it, but her writing wasn’t very legible. So finally her friend went and got their helper. The helper was so fuckin’ paient with her and she reminded her not get frustrated. All we could understand from the girl was that she wanted to give us more money. But for what? Finally we figured out that she wanted to ask about the warranty on the games. She didn’t buy any games, she was just asking about them because I think she wanted to save up for it. Finally she was relieved and she said to her helper “I tried, I tried.” and The helper said “I know, I know. You just wanted to feel independent. You did good!”

I was moved. She taught me so much in that short amount of time. I learned what it meant to be compassionate towards someone. To see that the person is doing their best with all the tools they’ve been given. I learned courage. To stand up and speak up to communicate your needs and desires. To be relentless and push through even when you “feel” you are causing inconvenience to someone. To be honest, people can get over inconvenience, being inconvenient is a temporary state and people can get over it in a heartbeat. I am glad that the new guy had stayed with her for so long. If it was me, I would’ve tried to get rid of her as soon as possible and not listen to her. If that was the case, she probably would’ve felt defeated. So if it means that it would cause me inconvenience for her to feel good that someone understood her, so be it. I think me being annoyed is a small price to pay for her feeling accomplished and having her mini-victory of the day. I am grateful that she came in. I didn’t want to work yesterday and planned to give my shift to someone but now I am super glad that I worked. I don’t even care if I get paid because I think what I learned was so valuable (But I do wanna get paid because I work for a corporate giant and I am gonna squeeze every little penny out of them for every second I’ve contributed to help them make millions).

Lastly, I learned that no matter what Always Try. You never know.

Kevo

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Filed under life, New Ideas, thoughts

A Cake Experiment

There were some left over egg whites in the fridge from when I made a cake for work, and my mom had just asked me to do something with them while her and my dad went golfing. “Make a sponge cake or something” she says. So I start hunting for a good sponge cake recipe. And of course I can’t find any, and I lost the one I used to use all the time. It was absolutely perfect and such a shame I can not find it anymore. Anyways, I settle on a recipe I find, and the only review it has is 1 out of 5. (I didn’t even notice this until the cake was in the oven.) It calls for 12 egg whites and 8 or 9 egg yolks. I only have 4 egg whites in the fridge, and I know there are only a few more eggs in the fridge, so I only use 4 eggs, making in total 8 egg whites and 4 egg yolks. I follow the recipe and while doing so, decide I don’t want a boring old plain favoured cake. So into the egg white mixture I add some coconut. And in the egg yolk mixture I beat in some lemon juice. And before putting the batter in the pan, I put some raspberries on the bottom. I spoon in the batter, and sink a few more raspberries into that. I put it in the oven and wait. In the meantime, I decide that the lemon flavour probably won’t be strong enough. I only want a light flavour of lemon though, but I only put a small amount of lemon juice in the batter itself. So I decide to make a syrup to brush over the cake when it comes out of the oven. I throw some sugar, lemon juice, and raspberries in a pot and put it on the stove over medium heat. Let it come to a gentle simmer, and then strain out the raspberries and the seeds. Leaving only the most beautiful light pink coloured syrup I have ever seen. I not only want the lemon and subtle raspberry flavour to soak into the cake, but I also want that beautiful colour. It’s so pretty!

I sit around, playing solitaire, petting the dog, painting my nails while waiting for the cake to be done. I can smell it, and good god does it smell good. I can only hope that it tastes as good as it smells. What I do know though is that the syrup tastes really, really, amazingly good. And I am proud of myself for not using a recipe to make it! haha.

So the cake finally comes out of the oven, and of course I have to wait a little bit longer for it to cool a bit. I give it half an hour, I can’t wait any longer. And I turn the cake out of the pan. It looks good. Didn’t sink like the person who reviewed the recipe said. The raspberries on the top look pretty. I cut myself a piece (of course! who else would try it to make sure it doesn’t taste like crap before I feed it to my family.) and put some of the lemon/raspberry sauce on top. Sprinkle it with a bit of icing sugar, and dig in. The texture is good. The cake itself is lacking flavour (maybe coconut extract next time and omit the lemon? yum!) but with the raspberries and coconut inside as well as the syrup on top, overall the cake is pretty damn good.

♥Taro

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Filed under baking, New Ideas

Your Love for Yourself Means Everything

Other than that, nothing else matters.

I remember the dark period in my life when I was pissed at the world, I felt no one gave a shit about me, I felt resentment towards my closest loved ones. I was surrounded with love and yet, I was too busy hating everyone, hating myself and playing the role of a victim. I needed a quick and painless way to finish it. A way that can take me out of this world so I can stop being a fuck up, occupy space and take up oxygen from more important people. I didn’t find a way and for that, I am grateful. Truth be told, although I hated myself every morning for waking up and lived through another day… there was a glimmer of self-worth that told me I would bring on more pain to people around me than I’ve ever experienced and for what? Teach them a lesson? Get some attention? Love? An Apology? I love them… with all my heart! Yet, I am planning to bring on irreversible damage? If you are on the verge of breaking… stick it out a bit more. I’ve became much stronger cause of it.

I am not saying don’t feel sad. Feel sad. Feel like shit. Hate the world. No one is rushing you. Think bad thoughts! If you feel like killing yourself, play it out in your mind and think of the aftermath. If you play it out, you’ll know that there’s nothing to be gained from removing yourself from the physical world because there are essentially only 2 scenario that can be the outcome:

1. People in your life get extremely hurt/sad/depressed (basically how you feel now and probably worse). If you felt how I felt, I would wish that feeling upon anyone. The sense of hopelessness and feeling of guilt mixed with everything bad.

2. People around you don’t give a shit. This one is simple. If people don’t care if you died, then they wouldn’t care if you live. There are some serious benefits of living by the way, like your life MIGHT improve. That hope would be striped away if you were dead.

Okay, enough is enough. You’ve felt sorry for yourself, been sad, depressed, felt worthless blah blah blah. Bored yet? Bored of playing the victim character in life? Sorry to burst your victim bubble but you chose to be in that position. Yup. No one is responsible of your thoughts, feelings, quality of life and everything else in your life.

People can say/do all they want but everything still has to pass through you. If someone says “You will never amount in life” It’s still up to YOU Whether you want to believe him or not. If someone puts you down, hold up their comment to your personal truth! Ask “Is that really true?” Find genuine evidence in your life that contradicts the attack someone made of you. Start with the simplest thing! Eventually you can build up a voice inside you that’s strong enough to support you. You NEED that voice to be on your team when it seems like the world is against you!

Also, look at who is putting you down:

1. Determine Is the person in the position to make such judgement? Is the person an authority? If you want to be a musician and your guidance counselor says that “you’ll never be successful”. Is he in a position to make such a judgment? you certainly can take his opinion into consideration but note the quality of the opinion.

2. Ask the person: WHY? Why do you say that? Most of the time the answer is not clearly backed up, which tells you… the person doesn’t know SHIT. Most of the time the answer you get would be another attack like “because you are ugly, stupid, messy, not a good student.” Then go through the process again of “Is what the person said true?” My sister once told me that I don’t stand a chance with a particular girl because I didn’t have good grades. She said that while I was going through my dark period, so of course I believed her. But later all I had to do was look around and realized that all the cute girls are NOT fucking the honour roll students.

Hold your head high. The Universe is conspiring FOR you not against you. Even if you don’t see it right now where you stand… Know that things happen FOR us in life never to us.

The first principle is that you must not fool yourself, and you are the easiest person to fool. – Richard Feynman

*Kevin*

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Somnium

Last night I had a dream. An unusual dream, but I guess most dreams are fairly weird no matter what right? Our minds can come up with some strange things while we sleep. Actually I had two dreams last night. The first dream I had was no stranger to me. It’s a recurring dream I have often, but lately haven’t experienced it in a while. It’s that dream where I am in the end drowned by a brown bear. I’ll tell it from the beginning.

Usually it starts off with me walking with a goat into this little foresty area that is by one of the football parks I used to be at a lot when I was younger, because my brother played and my dad coached. The entrance to this little area is really quite far away from where the actual game was being held, way on the other side of the park and no one can see us. We go in and it’s really different from how it actually is of course. The trees are those super huge red sequoia trees, thick with leaves far, far up so that barely any sunlight comes in. Everything has sort of a red tinge to it from the trees. The goat and I start walking around, just exploring and checking things out. It’s really pretty in there. We hear the odd shuffling from far away every once in a while but just write it off as the normal activities of little creatures. It starts to get dark so me and the goat are trying to find our way back out. For some reason the way we came in no longer exists, so we have to find another way out. I can see a clearance in the trees with light coming through, so I know that it’s a way out. The only problem is that we have to go through a small valley in the middle of this little forest. And in that dip there are 2 huge brown bears pacing back and forth. I’m trying to see another way to get to the other side but of course I have to go through this bear pit. Me and the goat look at each other and slowly and quietly start to walk down the slope in to the valley. Why the hell we expected the bears not to hear or see us I have no idea. Of course they did. They start making their bear noises at us (what would you call that? Growling? I guess…) and charge at us. Scared to death, we start running super fast (this whole time the goat is on a leash that I am holding) and make it to the other side and up the slope. The bears continue to chase us. When we emerge on the other side I realize that this wasn’t a way out at all. All of a sudden there is a huge steep mountain in front of us, and the forest has disappeared behind us. We are now on a small island maybe 100m in diameter with this steep mountain in the middle. So where the hell should we go but up? We start running/climbing up this mountain as fast as we can. One of the bears gets the goat, this is a super traumatic event for me because apparently this goat was my only confidant. He understood me. I understood him. So as I am crying, and can barely see because of the tears clouding my vision, I keep going up. When I get to the top I realize there is nowhere else for me to go but down now, so I roll down the other side of this rocky, jagged mountain. I start running around the mountain and there are waves coming in and out of the tiny shoreline. You know how hard it is to run on wet sand? Well imagine that difficulty x5, just because my dreams like to fuck with my head. For some reason there is only about 2 feet of shoreline before it just drops down to super deep water with god knows what swimming around in it. I look back to see if the bears are still there, and one still is. So I keep running in circles around this mountain but take a wrong step and fall into the scary black water. I start swimming despite my fear and anxiety about what is living in this water. I look back once again and there is the bear, right behind me. He lifts his huge paw out of the water and slams it down onto my head. I go under water and that’s where the dream ends.

So that’s the first one. The second one was a lot shorter. I was at a Goo Goo dolls concert concert (I actually had to google this to make sure the song that they kept playing over and over again was theirs. How did my brain know that they sing this song but *I* did not? So weird man). Anyways, they kept playing Iris over and over again and I know all the words so I was singin’ along of course. For some reason there were only like…20 maybe 30 people there. And only I was singing so they made me go up on stage and sing. That’s about all that happened in that dream. It was fun.

The whole point of this post was to say that I want to try something called “image rehearsal therapy” for the bear dream. It consists of this:

1. Write out the text of the nightmare
2. Create a new ending for the nightmare story and write it out
3. Rehearse the new version of the story in your imagination each night just before going to sleep
4. Perform a relaxation exercise

Tonight I will try this and see what happens!

♥ Taro

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Filed under Dreams, New Ideas, thoughts